All we can do is pray ~~

Last Friday, my family braced ourselves for the wrath of the Super Typhoon Yolanda. The massive rainfall and the sound of the whizzing wind frightened me so much. But my fear is nothing compared to the horror that the people in the central Philippines felt. I saw the footage and pictures in the news last night and the sight of devastation in many areas in the Philippines was heart-breaking. The fury of the most powerful typhoon ever recorded left thousands of people homeless and buried many cities underneath mud.

Many Filipinos' live in shanty areas, with house made of bamboo, ply and ridged iron roofs. When you're faced with the scenario like this, you can only pray, pray, pray and pray. It's hard to imagine the substantial loss of lives and properties. Looking at the TV monitor, I can feel the horrifying terror and the insatiable sorrow of losing the people they love. And if it were me, I would really lose my mind. It took me back to my childhood memories when my family used to live in a shack. I remember all the sleepless nights my family had whenever we battle every typhoon that ravaged our town. The dread of seeing every bit of our  house torned and all the crops ripped brought so much tears. And yes, the hunger qualm almost brought me to unconsciousness.

But here we are. We have endured a seemingly never-ending pattern of deadly disasters including countless typhoons. I know that just like any other calamities, we're going to stand again and re-build our lives.  We have proven this so many times. The unsurpassed Filipino resilience will again surface. We have unwavering faith and we ~ I strongly believe that this too shall pass.

Despair

There's a creeping resignation that climbs to every vein of my body. Like a virus that infects the living cells and slowly succumbing the entire organ until it finally breaks down. I'm gasping for air. I'm  drowning and there's no one to save me. I sometimes just want to vanish into oblivion and never return. Yet, I'm here, I can't untangle myself to this life I've chosen. There's a conflicting emotion that drags me to thinking that perhaps I have chosen the wrong path.

I look at the people around me and I wonder what's making them happy and hopeful. Then there's the popular cliché about contentment and gratefulness. I tried plastering them into the four corners of my room. But every so often the room gets darkened; I can't see the walls; the signs. Fear will start to trickle down my spine winding me with random thoughts on how dreams may sometimes not come true. I battle it everyday. Seems that the more I long for triumph, the farther it gets. It's like turning to every corner and finding out that its blocked, knocking to each door that won't open, going through each possibility round and round over the same old ground. I'm terrified of losing that one tiny flicker of hope. Yet despite the overwhelming panic of losing once again, a tiny part of me refuses to give up.

Overcome with Love, Feeling love in every pore, Living only for love
And seeing myself consumed and caught in a thousand spiders threads.

Oh, there goes the feeling again... Feeling that feeling again.

I feel foolish and happy as soon as I think of you.
My mind has been the most discontented and restless one that ever was put into a body too small for it.
The world seems so obscure to me but your presence makes it clear.

I have a picture of you in my room.
I never pass by it without stopping to look at it.
Who have you smiles with?
All this may seem savage in me.
Ther is a frightful conflict, this couldn't be happening...
But then you have devoured everything ...
You leave me helpless.

This monomania terrifies me.

Love and insanity...

"There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I would not expect you to understand that, or even believe it, but trust me, there are some love that do not go away and maybe that makes them crazy, but we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little bit of insanity. Somebody who never lets go. Somebody who cherishes you forever"

- Ally McBeal

THOUGHTS OF YOU...

This is a poem I made a long time ago... At that time, I was trying to recover from a very painful separation from my boyfriend. Oh, I still remember how I felt that time. I was truly hurting. But I am completely.. totally... entirely over him now.

“thoughts of you”

I wake filled with thoughts of you
My heart is full of many things to say to you
I love you, I love you. my baby;
I can not reiterate it too often;
I can never express it as much as I feel it.
I cannot keep myself from writing any longer to you,
although I have not had any answer to either of my messages
I can assure you…
you have not been out of my thoughts hardly for one minute

I do not expect you to love me,
I am not worthy of your love.
I may appear to you imprudent, vicious;
my opinions detestable, my theory depraved;
but one thing, at least, time shall show you:
that I love gently and with affection,
that I am incapable of anything
approaching to the feeling of revenge or malice;

As for my heart,
there you will always be - very much so.
But let me have this for you,
containing nothing but my love
And its with a very heavy heart I part from you.
No more kisses and tender caresses for ever so long –
I want to bury myself in you, hold you tight in my arms,
make you feel the intense love of mine.

You are my very life,
and our separation gives such endless heartache…
I love you. That is all I know.
But all I know, too, is that I am writing into space:
the kind of dreadful, unknown space I am just going to enter.

I look back to the early days of our acquaintance and friendship
as to the days of love and innocence
the picture of my heart it would be
what I hope you would still love
The early possession you obtained there,
and the absolute power you have obtained over it,
leaves not the smallest space unoccupied.

I picture you in all sorts of ways, as I have seen you since.
I can never praise you enough for yourself
or for your love of me,
which I don’t really deserve.

Written by the hand of hers
who would willingly remain yours.
- nery -

So true....

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not... excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine