Despair

There's a creeping resignation that climbs to every vein of my body. Like a virus that infects the living cells and slowly succumbing the entire organ until it finally breaks down. I'm gasping for air. I'm  drowning and there's no one to save me. I sometimes just want to vanish into oblivion and never return. Yet, I'm here, I can't untangle myself to this life I've chosen. There's a conflicting emotion that drags me to thinking that perhaps I have chosen the wrong path.

I look at the people around me and I wonder what's making them happy and hopeful. Then there's the popular cliché about contentment and gratefulness. I tried plastering them into the four corners of my room. But every so often the room gets darkened; I can't see the walls; the signs. Fear will start to trickle down my spine winding me with random thoughts on how dreams may sometimes not come true. I battle it everyday. Seems that the more I long for triumph, the farther it gets. It's like turning to every corner and finding out that its blocked, knocking to each door that won't open, going through each possibility round and round over the same old ground. I'm terrified of losing that one tiny flicker of hope. Yet despite the overwhelming panic of losing once again, a tiny part of me refuses to give up.